I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
