This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
