i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
