DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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