On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
