Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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