final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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