After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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