And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
