if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
We have started to decorate penises.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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