I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
