pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
