well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
