Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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