You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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