If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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