And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
