if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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