so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I said "one day" and that day is not today
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
