tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The adults are the big ones right?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
