the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
