How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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