if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
