Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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