Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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