True but thats because hes a fetus.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
