You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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