I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
