Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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