AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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