check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
