dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
