I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
