dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Houston, we have a squirter
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize