You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
