kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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