i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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