He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
be right there i have to get my cape
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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