Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
