Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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