dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize