I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
