Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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