I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
