he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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