Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
