I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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