It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
