New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
