if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
