Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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