omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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