Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
