i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
