I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
