I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize