How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize