It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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