I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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