nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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