then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
