This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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